Challenge the 3 Thoughts Stopping You From Taking Up Space

3 Reframes for You

Let’s talk about three tangible reframes you can use to help challenge thoughts that are stopping you from taking up space.

In Part 1: “It’s Not Your Fault” we talked about why it’s hard for adults with immigrant parents to take up space — to share their feelings, advocate for themselves, and ask for what they need. Now we will be diving into the thoughts that might be stopping you and how to challenge them — so you can start living more in line with what you want and need.

I’m Allison Ly, host of Empowered with Immigrant Parents. This podcast and this community exist because I want you to feel empowered to do the things you want to, go after the things you desire as an adult with immigrant parents while keeping your values, your culture, and your personality intact.

In my work with clients, many of them end up feeling burnt out, resentful, and disconnected because they don’t feel like they have permission to take up space.

They’re stuck in patterns where their needs are pushed aside for the sake of others — until it becomes too overwhelming and they start wondering if cutting ties is the only solution.

But the truth is, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

It’s possible to care for yourself and for your family — without losing yourself in the process.

Why Taking Up Space Takes Practice

Taking up space isn’t something that happens overnight, especially if you’ve spent years — or decades — being told, directly or indirectly, to stay small, to stay quiet, or to not rock the boat.

Like anything else — learning a new recipe, picking up a new skill, starting a new job — it takes practice.

Think about learning a new move in basketball. First, you see someone else do it. You break it down mentally: Where do their feet go? How do they move their hands? Which direction are they heading?

Then, you practice it by yourself.

Later, you practice it with your teammates — people you trust.

And only after all that, do you start trying it out in a real game.

Taking up space follows the same pattern.

You might start by practicing in the shower, saying the words out loud, journaling about it, or role-playing in your mind. Then you might practice with people you feel safe with — a friend, a coach, a therapist — your "teammates." Eventually, when you're ready, you can bring these skills into situations that matter more: conversations with family members, advocating for yourself at work, or setting new boundaries in relationships.

The Thoughts That Hold You Back — and How to Reframe Them

Let’s talk about a few common thoughts that can stop you from taking up space — and how to shift them.

1. “I should be grateful for what I have and not ask for more.”

This is a big one for adults with immigrant parents. You’re taught to be grateful, and you are. But gratitude and desire aren’t opposites. You can be grateful and still want something different.

You can love the job you have — the flexibility, the pay, the benefits — and still want a promotion or a better schedule. You can appreciate a friend’s thoughtful gesture and still let them know what works better for you.

Gratitude doesn’t cancel out the right to advocate for yourself.

Reframe: I can be grateful and still want more. Both can exist at the same time.

2. “I’m asking for too much.”

If you’re thinking, “I don’t want to bother them” or “It’s too much to ask”, check the reality of that thought.

Let’s use this example to demonstrate my point:

If a friend keeps bringing you coffee when they visit because they think you love it — but you don’t actually like coffee or want coffee, you continuously not telling them what you actually want doesn’t benefit anyone. You don’t feel satisfied with what you have, and your friend doesn’t know their money and efforts are not actually doing what they intended, which is to make you happy. They are putting their money and energy on something that doesn’t even make you happy.

So if you are wanting to let them know but feel afraid to speak up, here’s something you can think about saying:

“Thank you so much for thinking of me! I appreciate it but I wouldn’t want you to keep spending money on coffee for me when I don’t feel like drinking it. Next time you don’t need to include a drink for me, thank you!”

OR

“Thank you so much for thinking of me! I actually don’t drink coffee — maybe next time just get one for yourself, or if you’re feeling generous, I’d love a tea.”

You're not being ungrateful — you're giving them clarity.

And remember: people can always say no to a request. You’re responsible for voicing your needs; they’re responsible for deciding whether or not they can meet them.

Which means, if they continue to bring you coffee anyway, you told them what you wanted and then you can decide how you want to proceed without potentially feeling bad or guilty.

Reframe: It’s not too much to ask for what I need. Others can set their own boundaries.

3. “People will judge me (when I say what I want).”

This fear is real. If you have immigrant parents, you probably grew up being told not to "air family business" or to keep problems hidden. It’s been engrained in you since young and it’s something that’s seen as “normal”.

There may also be a deep fear that asking for help or advocating for ourselves will be seen as a betrayal or as weakness to others, which stops you from sharing or getting the help you want or need.

But here’s the thing: You will never fully know what others think — even if they tell you. They could have their own projections, biases, or insecurities at play. Or, you might be projecting your own fears onto them, assuming they’ll judge you when they might not even be thinking about you that way at all.

Whether it’s fear of judgment or shame, the key is practicing discernment. Choose carefully who you share with. Start with people who have shown they’re supportive — your trusted "teammates."

Just like with the basketball reference, you can practice the new skills you’ve learned with people you know and trust more, first.

Build your skills and confidence first with people you know, people you trust, and who you are surrounded by.

Reframe: I can’t control what others think, but I can stay true to my values.

And remember: Your values are your guide.

The more you’re grounded in what matters to you — whether it's family, authenticity, balance — the easier it becomes to take up space, even when it feels uncomfortable.

What Taking Up Space Looks Like

Taking up space means:

• Asking for what you want and need.

• Telling others what you want and need.

• Taking actions toward what you want and need.

• Believing you are already worthy and enough — right now — to have those needs met.

It could look like applying for a promotion, starting that side hustle you’ve been dreaming about, having a hard conversation with a family member, or even just saying "no" when you mean no.

And even if you’re not yet taking big outward actions, thinking about it, journaling, practicing by yourself — that’s still progress. It all counts.

Please Remember!

Taking up space is not about being aggressive or abandoning the people you love. It’s about learning to show up fully — for yourself and for your family. Because when you show up as your full self, you’re more able to care for others from a place of fullness instead of resentment.

It’s about finding that middle ground for yourself. It’s not about you taking up space, sharing your needs, etc. ALL the time or NEVER at all. Start small, do it with those you feel more comfortable around and practice.

Start with baby steps.

If you’re ready to dive deeper into this work, or want more support you can:

• Work with me for some 1:1 Coaching to expedite your progress

• Get on the waitlist for Unshaken Confidence - my course where we cover everything from taking up space to setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and caring for your family in a way that doesn’t cost you your peace.

You deserve to take up space — and I’m here to show you how.

P.S. Join my email community for adults with immigrant parents!

• Here you’ll get tangible, actionable tips and tools, and relatable stories to start to advocate even more for yourself, set healthy boundaries, and feel empowered in every part of your life WHILE taking care of your immigrant parents.