What No One Tells You About Boundaries
If you're anything like many of my clients—or like me—especially as an adult with immigrant parents, the concept of boundaries can feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar, or even selfish.
Many of us, especially adults with immigrant parents, were never taught how to put our needs first without feeling like we’re hurting someone else. We were taught to be respectful, to help out, to keep the peace. So it makes sense that boundaries can feel wrong… even when they’re necessary.
In this post, I want to reframe boundaries for you—so they feel less like harsh rules, and more like tools to protect your energy, values, and well-being.
What Is a Boundary, Really?
Let’s get one thing straight: boundaries aren’t just about saying “no”.
It’s not a wall. It’s not about being mean or pushing people away. At its core, a boundary is something we create to protect or preserve ourselves—emotionally, mentally, physically, socially, even spiritually.
They’re anything we say, do, or express that helps us take care of ourselves in some way. A boundary can help us feel safe in some way.
When we do set boundaries we are saying to others:
“This is what feels good for me. This is what I can handle. This is what I need.”
Here are different forms of boundaries:
Saying, “I’m not hungry anymore” is a boundary.
Wanting to be alone after a long day is a boundary.
Not answering your phone late at night? Also a boundary.
Boundaries are about honoring your needs. It’s not punishment to others; it’s not about controlling others. It’s about taking care of yourself.
Why Setting Boundaries Can Feel So Unnatural
If boundary-setting feels weird or guilt-inducing, it’s likely because:
You haven’t had much experience doing it in this particular situation.
You’re not sure how to express it in a way that feels good to you, while being kind and clear.
You’ve been conditioned to prioritize others—especially family—over yourself.
You’re worried what others will think when you set them
Sound familiar?
As adults with immigrant parents, many of us grew up navigating expectations of sacrifice, obedience, or being the “good” child. So asserting a boundary can feel like breaking a silent family code.
Most of us aren’t used to setting boundaries—because we never had the space to think about it, or practice it.
Many of us were expected to accommodate, to stay quiet, to help out without asking questions. So when we try to set boundaries now, it might feel:
Uncomfortable
Selfish
Disrespectful
But discomfort doesn’t mean you're doing something wrong.
It means you’re doing something new—and important as long as you’re doing it in a way that feels good to you. And that’s why it’s so important to me that you all learn the skill on how to do that in ways that work for you inside Unshaken Confidence.
Setting boundaries requires something we talked about before - knowing your needs and knowing the skill of how to share your boundaries.
Boundaries Can Be Conversations, Not Ultimatums
Let’s say your parents stop by your house multiple times a week, and it’s starting to drain you or that’s just not something you want. You don’t have to go straight to:
“Don’t come over anymore.”
You can brainstorm alternatives that work for you and your parents. They could come over once a week, or for a shorter duration, or during a different part of the day that works better for you.
Boundaries can be collaborative. You can express your needs, they can express theirs, and together you can find a middle ground.
Setting a boundary doesn’t mean shutting people out. It means expressing what works for you, so your relationships can thrive without draining you.
But at the end of the day, you have to choose what you are good with—not just what keeps the peace.
What a Sweater Teaches About Boundaries
One of the most misunderstood things about boundaries is the belief that we should always know them in advance. But real life doesn’t work that way.
Sometimes, we don’t recognize a boundary until it’s been crossed.
Let me give you a simple example: If you lent out a favorite sweater to a friend but weeks went by, and you hadn’t gotten it back. You feel irritated—but you don’t really know why.
That’s a new situation that you haven’t encountered yet, so it makes sense that you may not know exactly why you feel the way you feel.
But once you feel the discomfort, you can reflect on why you felt this way. And that’s also the work we do inside Unshaken Confidence: there’s space, prompts and a community for you to process what you’re feeling and needing.
Some questions to help you reflect on why you feel this way can be:
What made me feel this way? Do I feel this way because the item is special?
Was it how long the sweater had been gone? Am I okay with lending things out for a week, but not a month?
Is this a one-time feeling, or part of a pattern with this person?
These questions can help us analyze the root of the issue here. And then we can decide what we want to do now, and for next time.
Next time, you might choose to only lend that particular sweater for a short time—or not at all. Or maybe you just don’t lend it to that particular friend. You could also tell them exactly when you want the sweater back. Those are all boundaries you’ve learned this time around and can start to share some preferences with others and see if that helps with reducing these irritated feelings.
It’s all about noticing what you felt, what you might need and adjusting accordingly. Try it out and see how it feels next time, because sometimes we don’t know what our boundaries are until something feels off.
And that’s okay.
Your Boundaries Will Change—And That’s Normal
What boundaries worked for you before may not work now—and that’s normal.
Boundaries aren’t suppose to stay the same forever because we change, we aren’t the same forever either.
For example: before having a child, I was okay with being accessible whenever.
Now? My phone is on Do Not Disturb 95% of the day so I can focus and be present. Whether it’s to keep me less stimulated, to focus on my work or be present with my kids - it is something I need to do for me.
And I adapt, I change my boundaries as needed.
For example, when the fires hit Southern California in early 2025, I adjusted my notification settings on my phone to stay informed with updates and alerts all the time.
I wanted to be informed and made that adjustment to my boundary when needed. That boundary shift was based on what was needed in the moment.
Boundaries are living, breathing reflections of our lives.
Be Kind to Yourself: Boundaries Evolve With You
Like learning a new skill or language, boundary-setting takes practice.
Let go of the idea that boundaries must be permanent.
Let go of the guilt that says protecting your peace is selfish.
Let go of the fear that you can’t set boundaries in a way that feels good to you.
It might feel uncomfortable at first—and that’s okay. Your brain and body are adjusting to something unfamiliar. That doesn’t mean stop—it means keep going.
Whether you’re communicating with your parents, coworkers, or friends, remember: you can get better at this. You don’t have to do it perfectly to do it.
But if you’re feeling unsure, overwhelmed, or guilty about setting them—be kind to yourself. You’re learning a new way of showing up for yourself and your relationships.
And if you ever need support, you don’t have to do it alone.
Want to Go Deeper?
If this is something you want to continue to improve on, join my coaching program Unshaken Confidence, or work with me one-on-one.
I guide adults with immigrant parents through exactly this in ways that work for you.
You can master the skills and be able to:
Identify what you need
Express your needs more clearly with less guilt
Hold boundaries with confidence and compassion for yourself and others
You deserve boundaries that feel good and honor your values.
And if you’re ready for deeper support, you can explore 1:1 coaching or my Unshaken Confidence program to help you set boundaries, reduce guilt, and feel more in control of your life.
