Why It’s So Hard to Say “No” as an Adult with Immigrant Parents (The Repay Cycle™ Part 2 of 3)
Recap: How Does The Repay Cycle™ Relate to You
If you ever feel like you're giving, sacrificing, and helping—but still carrying a weight of guilt, you’re not alone. In part two of The Repay Cycle™ series, I want to go deeper into why this pattern is so common for adults with immigrant parents.
Last episode, we talked through the phases of The Repay Cycle™:
Awareness
Repay
Self-sacrifice
Mixed emotions
And then... it loops again. Maybe you recognized some of it in your own life. Maybe your version looks a little different. That’s normal—our experiences are shaped by our unique families and stories. But the cycle often feels familiar: an urge to give, to help, to support, even when you’re running on empty.
The Power of “Why”: When Helping Becomes Habit
It’s easy to fall into the habit of saying yes—especially if it’s how you’ve survived or earned approval. Over time, it stops being a conscious choice and just becomes part of who you are.
But when we don’t pause to understand why we’re doing something, we risk burning out. We become caregivers, emotional supports, fixers, translators, peacekeepers. And often, we started these roles before we even realized it.
A Closer Look at Parentification
Let’s talk about parentification. It’s when a child is placed in a role that’s beyond their developmental stage—like translating adult conversations in elementary school, or being the default babysitter for hours at a time.
This is so common for adults with immigrant parents.
It teaches us to be responsible, independent, and helpful—but at a cost. As adults, we may still carry those roles, even when they don’t serve us anymore. That constant giving can feel noble, but it also creates exhaustion and confusion.
Navigating Two Cultures (and Conflicting Expectations)
Another layer to this cycle is the cultural tug-of-war.
We’re often balancing two worlds: the culture we were raised in here, and the one our parents brought with them. Maybe your parents want one thing for you, and you’re curious about something else. You might feel bad for not celebrating your parents’ traditions, even if they never explained them to you. Or maybe you do want what they want—but the way it was pushed on you took the joy out of it.
This constant back-and-forth creates mixed emotions—especially when you’re trying to be true to yourself and honor your family.
Clarifying Values to Break the Cycle
Here’s the shift: when you get clear on your values and how they overlap with your family’s, everything changes.
The resentment softens. The obligation lightens. You can start making decisions from a place of alignment, not just pressure.
Maybe you do want to be a doctor—but not because you were told to. Maybe you do want to support your family—but in a way that doesn’t erase your needs. This clarity helps you move through the repay cycle with more confidence and less guilt.
A Visual Tool to Help You Get Clear
To help you with this, I’ve created a simple tool you can download.
Get the list of values worksheet here
It can help you visualize:
What you value
What your family values
And where those overlap
It’s a powerful first step to reclaiming your voice and honoring your culture—on your terms.
You can also download a list of values to reflect on if you’re not sure where to start.
Want More Tools Like This?
If you’re nodding along to this and want more support, insights, and resources to break free from guilt and self-sacrifice...
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You don’t have to do it all alone—and you don’t have to keep repeating patterns that don’t work for you anymore.
