Ever Feel Guilty No Matter What You Do? This Might Be Why (The Repay Cycle™ Part 1 of 3)

I'm excited to share a framework I created based on over 10 years of working with adults with immigrant parents—and from my own lived experience as someone with immigrant parents.

This framework captures the emotional and practical journey many of us go through. It’s something I believe we don’t fully exit, because the responsibilities, expectations, and love we have for our families don’t go away. But understanding the cycle can help reduce its impact. This is the first of a three-part series: today I’ll explain the framework. Next, we’ll explore why it’s important. And finally, we’ll talk about how to minimize its impact on our lives.

The framework is called The Repay Cycle™—and I’ll walk you through it.

This cycle is based on patterns I’ve seen in my clients and in my own life. (See link below to grab The Repay Cycle™ PDF)

It has four stages:

1. Awareness

2. Repay

3. Self-Sacrifice

4. Mixed Emotions

And then—it loops back around.

1. Awareness

This begins with two types of awareness:

• The child’s awareness: You realize you have more experience, language skills, and access to resources than your immigrant parents. Maybe you were born in your current country, like I was in the U.S., while your parents were born elsewhere—in my case, Vietnam.

• The parent’s awareness: They also know you’re more fluent, more educated, and more able to navigate systems like schools, grocery stores, paperwork, etc.

This shared awareness lays the groundwork for you stepping in to help. It becomes a habit. And many of us want to help—out of love, gratitude, or a desire to give back.

2. Repay

Once we become aware, we start doing. Helping. Supporting. Giving.

And repaying isn’t just financial—it’s emotional, logistical, aspirational. It’s:

• Translating

• Filling out paperwork

• Becoming a doctor or lawyer because that’s what our parents dreamed of

• Providing emotional support

• Living the life they couldn’t

Sometimes this is chosen. Sometimes it’s expected. But either way, it becomes a pattern: we do things for our family out of a sense of debt, gratitude, or obligation.

3. Self-Sacrifice

When the doing doesn’t stop, we begin to neglect ourselves. We:

• Skip rest, the gym, time with friends

• Choose careers that aren't aligned with our passions

• Ignore our own mental and emotional needs

Even if we wanted what our parents wanted for us, the pressure to fulfill someone else’s dream can leave us bitter, burnt out, and disconnected from our own desires.

4. Mixed Emotions

This leads to a complicated emotional landscape:

• Guilt for not showing up

• Resentment for always showing up

• Tiredness

• Irritability

• Shame for being tired or irritable

A personal example: when I first moved out of my parents' house, I’d stop by almost every day after my long commute—even when I was exhausted. I didn’t want them to feel abandoned. But often, I was too tired to be present, and I’d leave feeling worse. My intentions were good, but the outcome wasn’t helpful for anyone.

And so, the cycle begins again.

We feel guilty for pulling back, so we dive back into helping—only to feel burnt out again. And round and round we go.

So what do we do?

There is a way to interrupt the cycle.

In the next episode, I’ll walk you through how to:

• Slow the cycle down

• Reduce the intensity of each stage

• Care for your family in a way that also cares for you

Because it’s not about abandoning our values or love for our family. It’s about doing things in a way that aligns with what works for us.

If you want a visual of this framework, click on the link below to sign up and get the PDF. You’ll get a clear breakdown of each phase.

Get visuals:

• The Repay Cycle™ Framework

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